It Feels Exhausting
Getting out of bed is hard. Taking a shower is even harder, and I never feel like I have enough energy to do anything.
I feel drained all the time. I dread simple tasks and don’t feel like doing any of them.
I don’t feel like doing anything.
I oversleep and overeat unless I can’t sleep or can’t eat.
I sleep for days or go days without sleep.
Depression really takes a lot out of me.
Going to work feels impossible.
Going to the bathroom is not guaranteed.
There were times where I couldn’t even hold my bladder, like I had no control over my entire body.
It Feels Lonely
I isolate myself. I don’t have the energy to explain my struggles to anybody else.
Nobody I know has walked in my shoes, yet everyone seems to have an opinion on what they think I should do.
I often feel alone in this world.
I feel alone with my anger towards God.
I feel alone with all my feelings.
I feel alone in my desperation for someone to come heal me.
Sometimes I find comfort in music and in the lyrics that speak to me, like these lyrics from Lecrae’s song, I’ll Find You featuring Tori Kelly.
I’m smilin’ in everyone’s face
I’m cryin’ whenever they leave the room
They don’t know the battle I face
They don’t understand what I’m goin’ throughLecrae, I’ll Find You Song Lyrics – https://youtu.be/CrNwTSgTe7M?si=vfkbEtnDjt6QFLua
It Feels Depressing
Being depressed is depressing. It’s like a never ending cycle of numbness and negativity.
It’s crazy how I can feel nothing yet feel everything so deeply.
Hating myself, hating my life, and hating my feelings – just being aware of the fact that I’m depressed adds an extra layer of heaviness.
The truth is I’m really afraid of the future. I’m not sure if it holds more emptiness or more success? Being depressed makes it hard to take the next steps.
As I watch life pass me by, and struggle to salvage what’s left, I wrestle with the question, is life even worth it?
It Feels Hopeless
During times when I’m barely surviving, and I can’t imagine a future where I’m actually thriving, I feel hopeless and afraid.
I wake up and go to bed with dread. I can’t seem to rid myself of it.
I’m afraid that this will not pass.
I’m afraid that I’ll never get better.
I’m afraid that this storm will last forever.
More than anything I’m afraid to be stuck in this world. But I am. I am stuck in this life where I have no control. Even if I were to take my own life, it is God who would determine what happens to my soul.
I don’t feel like this all the time but sometimes I do feel like I can’t endure this life any longer, in times like this I thank God for my mother.
It Feels Different
So many feelings come and go. Depression feels different now than it did back then.
Back then I was just existing. I was waiting for my life to end.
But at some point, I started feeling like making different decisions.
I felt like letting the sun in. I felt like going for a walk.
I felt like asking for help driving my car and going to the store.
I felt like giving up sugar. I didn’t feel like eating so much of it anymore.
These new feelings took a while to come. In fact, they took several years.
But because I’m still alive I’m able to tell you what I did.
I did get up. I did get help. I did find work again.
I did get better, and I’m finally able to celebrate a few small wins.
I have friends, family, and a great support system that I worked hard to build.
My struggle isn’t over but I don’t struggle exactly the same way I used to. Taking a shower, doing laundry and keeping my room clean is still hard as hell.
But at least now I have a little bit more hope and faith in my future and a pretty good story to tell.
The Real Depression Project
One of my favorite resources is The Real Depression Project.
They’re a mental health organization whose mission is to help:
- People with depression better understand what they’re going through, and feel less isolated, alone and misunderstood;
- People who’ve never experienced depression before to better understand the illness, and know how to support their loved ones through it.
I have saved a number of their Instagram posts because they spoke deeply to my soul. You can learn more about them and read their posts at