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The Hardest Part About Change

Not wanting to change

This was originally written: April 28, 2020.

On this journey to overcoming anxiety and depression, the biggest factor that has stopped me from making change in my life is the fact that I did not want to change. 

I did not want to be healed. 

I did not want to overcome this. 

I just wanted my life to be over.

I was not looking for transformation. I was looking for relief from this world.

It is not unnatural for humans to want to escape pain. Nobody likes to be in pain but it seems to be necessary for growth and I was very resentful of that fact.

 I was resentful of the fact that I could never have what I really, truly wanted, which is a life without pain. A life without struggle, but not just any struggle, the crippling kind that makes me want to crawl in a corner or under my bed and never come out. 

But a life without pain is just not reality, and for a long time it was a reality that I could not  accept. As a result, my only dream, my only aspiration was death.

I just wanted my life to be over and there are so many who have felt this way and decided to take their lives. I can relate. 

I can relate to feeling an overwhelming sense of grief that seems inescapable. 

But if you are reading this, you have made the choice to live even if it’s only for a moment. Even if you’re unsure if you want to live the next moment, even if you’re not confident that your life will get better. But what if your feelings can change? 

Nothing is definite, except for the fact that you get to decide: to live, to endure, to survive, to overcome.

Your circumstances can change. Your outlook on life can change. 

It’s not easy

I can only reasonably assume that there was nothing easy about deciding to be nailed to a cross. But thank God, Jesus did!

And I believe one day somebody is going to thank God that you decided not to let the sacrifice of our lord and savior be in vain. One day, somebody is going to THANK GOD that you decided to overcome in spite of the fact that you really didn’t want to.

I don’t know where to begin

There seems to be no clear path to freedom from anxiety and depression, at least not in my experience. I can read my bible. I can pray. I can complete bible plans on anxiety. I can take medication. I can go to therapy. I can talk about and share my experience but I still struggle.

 If I’m really being honest, I haven’t wholeheartedly committed to any path.

I’m not so sure that I struggle to know where to begin as much as I struggle to believe that one day I will actually be free.

I struggle to believe that my effort will actually make a difference.

Change is scary.

It takes courage to change. It takes courage to live. It takes courage to endure.

But I also believe that it can be done, fearfully and reluctantly.

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